Groom speech jokes - 101 winners
Displaying 11 to 20 of 101 classic groom speech jokes
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Ladies and Gentlemen, you are about to witness a unique event in history. The very first and very last time that the wife is going to let me speak on behalf of us BOTH. It is a privilege and an honour to do so. I just hope that, so soon into our married life, I don’t let Linda down.
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A lot of my mates take the mickey out of me because they believe Linda wears the trousers in our relationship. But that’s just not true – I am the master in my own house. I run everything: the lawnmower, the errands, the baths...
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Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen - I suppose you’ll be expecting a few laughs in this speech. But I know I need to tread carefully. I don’t want to upset my in-laws and hear my wife going around and introducing me to everyone as her 'first husband'.
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My in-laws Alan and Carol have come to think of me as they do their own son – the one they threw out and disowned.
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Good evening everyone. I don’t know if you noticed earlier, but when Linda’s father toasted ‘Absent Friends’, the best man stood up and took a bow.
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Good evening to you all, and for those of you on Linda’s side who don't know me, the people on my side will tell you how lucky you are.
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I’ve heard a few people comment on how trim I am looking in this suit, which is actually the result of a fitness regime that’s seen me do at least 50 push-ups a day during the run up to this wedding. But I should mention that none of them have actually been intentional – I’ve just been collapsing a lot through nerves and stress.
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My parents have been very excited about this marriage. As we were on our way to collect our suits my father came over to me with an outstretched hand, “congratulations son, I just wanted to remind you that your mum and I have been married for thirty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.” “But dad”, I said, “a little bit confused, I’m not getting married until tomorrow!” “Yeah, I know”, said my father.…
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First of all, I’d like to thank Linda for marrying me. She’s the most beautiful, intelligent and caring woman I know. She does everything for me. She even wrote this speech.
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One of the many reasons I was attracted to Linda was her determination, her win-at-all-costs mentality. It really is something to admire, and you’ll see evidence of her strong competitive streak after the ceremony, when she catches her own bouquet.
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From the moment we got engaged Linda has hardly stopped planning and arranging things to make sure it all went as smoothly as it did today. Even yesterday I overheard her say to her mother, ‘Mum, I’ve still got so much to do and I want everything to be perfect. I’m determined not to overlook even the most insignificant detail.’ And her mother replying, ‘Don’t worry, his best man will make sure he’s there.’
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Nothing has been left to chance or overlooked in the run-up to this day. Linda even prepared an entire spreadsheet listing the probability of attendance for each guest. She had me down as 100%, which put a lot of pressure on my best man.
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Ladies and gentlemen, I had originally intended to just say a few words. But before dinner was served my lovely wife took my speech, re wrote it and left me with this version that’s more fitting for accepting an Oscar.
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Good evening everybody! It’s great to see so many of you here! I’ll try to keep my speech short since I know we’re all interested in seeing how my pre-wedding dance lessons paid off.
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I never actually received a formal invitation to the wedding, so I hope I haven’t just eaten a meal meant for someone else.
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Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Thank you all for your wonderful gifts and receipts.
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I will shortly be handing over to Jason. But unlike many best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, he has promised me that if there is anything slightly risqué, he will whip it out immediately.
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I would like to say a word of thanks to the bridesmaids. You did your job magnificently and it goes without saying that Linda will use you every time she gets married from now on.
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I’d now like to pay tribute to our ushers, Gary and Vince. Being an usher can be a dangerous job. I was an usher once at a friend's wedding. I asked a lady entering the church if she was a friend of the groom; She said, ‘Certainly not, I am the bride’s mother.’
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I’m sure you’ll agree that the ushers today, Dan and Mark, have performed their duties with the professionalism that a disaffected 15 year-old Cineworld employee would be proud of.