Speech Material For August 2018

Did anyone else enjoy that short burst of rain we got last week? It's not that we hate the sun here at Wedding Speech Builder, we just needed a break from all those berks complaining about the heat. Oh well, at least it made a change from Brexit talk, talk of which has increased lately as the government's rating slumps to a new low due to its comprehensive failure to do mostly anything.

Other stories you may wish to jam into your frighteningly imminent wedding speech include England's sad yet inevitable exit from the World Cup, Jose Mourinho moodily insulting his team's young players during a tour of America, the end of Love Island (thank God) and the news that a British stag do visiting Spain paid a homeless bloke to get the groom's name tattooed on his forehead. That last one is rather cruel, but at least it's still more sensible than getting your partner's name tattooed on yourself:

1. "It's been recently reported that Jeremy Corbyn might lose his allotment over anti-Semitism in the Labour party. Bit of an odd response that, don't you think? It'd be like Joanne finding out what Kyle did on the stag do and banning him from B&Q."

1. "The first drug to prevent chronic migraines has just been approved by the EU. Don't worry though Karen, you won't have to come up with a better excuse when John's got the horn; we'll be out of Europe by the time it's done."

August is jam-packed with weird and wonderful days which you can reference in a wedding speech. There's International Beer Day on the 3rd, Lazy Day on the 10th, Men's Grooming Day on the 17th and Kiss and Make Up Day on the 25th of August. There are also plenty of festivals going on up and down the country, with the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, Leeds & Reading and Bestival all taking place at some point or another:

1. "Everyone enjoying the Bank Holiday weekend? I have to say bravo to Kate for organising her wedding at the beginning of a three-day break. We can spend today getting as merry as we like in celebration of your beautiful, romantic union, and tomorrow we can do the same in celebration of how well we celebrated your beautiful, romantic union. To celebrations!"

1. "Mission Impossible's just come out. What is it, the fifth or sixth time a mission has supposedly been 'impossible'? I tell you, the title of that film is about as accurate as when Rachel describes a night out with the girls as a 'quiet one'. The real mission impossible was getting her to the church sober!"

Not convinced by any of these nuptial newsworthy nuggets? Then why not take a look inside our wedding speech builder vault, where you'll find oodles of non-topical funnies that can be used any time, any place - so long as that place is a wedding. Here are two examples of some recent jokes we've dropped into our vault this week:

1. "Sorry if I seem a little tired. I stayed in the hotel last night and I didn't get a wink of sleep. This group of absolute pissheads kept banging away on the door to my room, bang bang bang, all night until the wee small hours. Eventually I had no choice but to let them out."

1. "If you're wondering why Gary often has one arm raised in the air, it's because he only sprayed anti-perspirant under one armpit this morning. He says it's for luck, but I reckon he just wanted to know what he would've smelt like at the end of the wedding if he hadn't bothered at all."

Right, that's us done for another month. September is when you'll next hear from us lot, by which point there will be just three-and-a-bit months to go until Christmas. Is it just us, or has the concept of time begun to slowly unravel ever since we started charging 5p for plastic bags?