Speech Material For December 2017

December will surely be a month of joyous celebration for all, as we finally bid farewell to the s**tbag of a year that was 2017. But before the calendar flips it seems we'll have more bad fortune to endure, especially if the past month is anything to go by. Donald Trump has been saying more racist things about a Native American senator (and retweeting Britain bloody First), there's an equally offensive eruption about to pop out of Mount Agung in Indonesia, and we've just heard that North Korea might get its hands on a nuke any moment now.

It's not all bad, though, because Viagra will soon be available over the counter, the first police drone will take the skies in Manchester next year, and some d**khead is building a rocket so he can fly into space and prove the world is flat. I hope you will join me in looking forward to his inevitable death. In the meantime, here are some jokes based on the happenings of the past 30-odd days:

[For the father of the bride]

1. "It's a shame Harry's marrying that Meghan Markle because I always dreamt that Emma would marry a Prince. Not because she deserves to be a Princess mind, just so you lot would have to fork out for the wedding instead of me."

1. "Any Zimbabweans in tonight? If there were I'd be telling them to have a word with my Becky now that Mugabe's gone. Because if you look at the state of me, when she gets to my age she's going to need a few tips on how to avoid inflation."

1. "David Davis might be in contempt of Parliament for hiding the truth about how bad Brexit will be. I feel like the priest at my wedding did the same. He never told me that leaving single life would cause me to lose my hair, my Saturday afternoons or my say in the matter, no matter what that matter was."

Christmas and New Year will soon foist themselves upon us more aggressively than a Hollywood producer. But if you're not full of festive cheer then don't worry, for there are plenty of other events happening over the coming month to reference in a wedding speech besides resolutions and gifts. The 8th is National Brownie Day, the 12th is Hannukah, the 14th is International Monkey Day and on 18th of December let us all gather round some dead swine for National Roast Suckling Pig Day. But if those are a little too niche, here are some festive and non-festive alternatives based on the calendar for the coming month.

1. "Today, December the 21st, is the Winter Solstice. It is the shortest day of the year. I couldn't tell you why Gary and Mel decided to get married on this specific day. It could be because he's 5 ft 2. It might be because the darkness hides mischief. Or, more likely, it's because Mel's dad has paid for an open bar and he's hoping you bugger off early thinking it's late."

1. "When preparing the guest list for a Christmas wedding, my wife and I made a list of everyone in our lives, and we judged them as naughty or nice. The nice folks came to the reception, to witness our union before the eyes of God. The naughty folks were invited to the late do because, by then, the nice lot have fallen asleep leaving us to raise hell."

Right then. I've got some children to stuff and turkey to wrap and place under the tree, so let's get this business over with by slinging a few non-topical jokes your way as usual. You may as well call this your early Christmas present from us kind sods at Wedding Speech Builder because no matter how much you whine, this is all you're getting:

1. "A wedding dress is a lot like EU membership; you'll spend a lot of money on it, it's tough to get out of, and if you slip out early without thinking you're liable to get shafted."

1. "Carol and Jim work for Virgin Rail, which is really handy actually, as when the back end of her dress went missing they were able to organise a wedding train replacement bus service instead."

Right, that's your lot, or you won't eat your tea. I'd like to say that everyone here at Wedding Speech Builder wishes you a Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year, but if truth be told, we're not actually that arsed. Have a terrible time if you want. It's none of our business. What we do hope is that the rest of 2017 is free from disaster, tragedy and scandal. But if you're doing a speech and some juicy gossip just can't go unmentioned, then copy this bloke's style and deliver it as brazenly as possible for maximum effect.

Right, I'm off now. The next time you hear from me, my fingers will be too fat to type having ingested far too many After Eights. If we don't see you beforehand, have a great Kwanzaa, a reasonable Christmas and a pork-filled Roast Suckling Pig Day. And don't forget to check out this video clip of a best man revealing the extraordinary event following the happy couple's first encounter.