Speech Material For February 2017

As 2017 begrudgingly slips into its second calendar month, it may seem as if the year's news is destined to comprise of nothing more than politics. We've had the women's march, the protest against Trump's Muslim ban, and the entertaining fallout from our very own Prime Minister May being pictured holding hands with that oddly-coiffed tyrant.

But aside from all this dull business, we've also witnessed the amusing sight of Liverpool crashing out of the FA Cup to Wolverhampton Wanderers, who are joined in the next round by a couple of amateur teams to boot. Furthermore, Bernie Ecclestone has been deposed as F1 chief, the bloke who founded Morrisons is dead, and the new Doctor Who may not be white or a man (but, let's be honest, will probably be both). Anyway, here are some topical gags based on the past month's events, and there's not a single Trump or Brexit reference to be found:

1. "Apparently Bill Gates is set to be a trillionaire by the age of 86, despite desperately trying to give his money away. And in the same vein, I'm set to be completely bald from stress by the age of 56, despite desperately trying to give my daughters away."

1. "I hope nobody's wearing anything from River Island here after their factory was caught paying staff three pounds an hour. At least I know for sure my man Keith wouldn't buy from there; you can tell that's a Primark suit a mile off."

Regarding events and dates, you may have noticed that the Superbowl has just taken place. And if you hadn't noticed, you were probably rather confused as to why those men dressed in sofas were running into each other. February is also known as the shortest month, America's black history month and the UK's LGBT month in. So there you go! Just don't tell Gran and Granddad about the last two… you know how they get:

1. "Ever since we've been together, I've always known that Kelly wanted to get married on the most romantic day of the year. Unfortunately, the church was booked up for Pancake Day, so we had to make do."

This is the part of the article where we get bored of topical jokes and instead start showing off a few of our latest lines from the Wedding Speech Builder gag vault. We've got all sorts of gags in there, you know; family gags, blue gags, emotional gags, leather ball-gags. Wait, what? Never mind. Here's two versions of the same joke, to tempt you into our not-at-all kinky underground vault:

1. "I'm a bit nervous about the first dance, later, I must admit. I tried taking waltz lessons, but it didn't work out… for the whole course, it was two steps forward, one step back!"

1. "Traditionally the first dance as a married couple is the waltz, but I couldn't get the hang of it. It's just two steps forward one step back! So instead I suggested that Karen should start doing the Rumba. You can imagine the shock on my face when I found her naked straddling the robot vacuum cleaner."

The final joke is clearly a little risqué, so you may want to tread carefully and run ones like that past some of the elders in the room. Grandparents, parents or even the Groom himself are all there to provide a second opinion, so why not make use of them instead of making a tit of yourself.

This risky gag shows the kind of reception blue material can get if your audience is open to a little filth, but there's nothing worse than feeling a thousand pairs of eyes burning into you as you plod your way through a poorly-judged wedding speech.

So if you are going to risk it for a biscuit and you don't want to run your jokes past anyone, at least stick the dirty gags at the end so you can make a quick getaway. And with that piece of advice, we shall depart until March and leave you to enjoy a February filled with lemony pancakes and lukewarm Valentines gestures.