Wedding Speech Ideas - February 2019

Despite being the shortest month of the year, scientists have now concluded that February will feel approximately 40 trillion times longer in 2019 due to the effects of the Dragheel Brexishambialis, a strange atmospheric phenomenon which causes gallons upon gallons of hot air to be expelled above Britain.

That's bad news for the rest of us, but good news for anyone getting married this month, as it means you'll feel like you've got extra time to plan for your happy day. Therefore, you should have no excuses when it comes to making your wedding speech as topical as can be. There's loads that's happened this past month. There was a Blood Moon. The Oscar nominations were announced. James Dyson has proved he's as bagless as his vacuums by sodding off to Singapore. And Prince Phillip ploughed his car into an innocent woman. See, it doesn't all have to be about Brexit.

1. "You might have noticed I'm sporting some salt and pepper locks today. That's because one of my heroes, Paul McCartney, ditched the dye to embrace the grey, so I decided to do the same. And if Marianne ever leaves me, I'll copy John Lennon by staying in bed all day and letting someone shoot me."

1. "Anyone seen that new Ted Bundy documentary? Pretty chilling, right? Not for me. It filled me with hope. Hope that if this wedding goes wrong, badly wrong, at least I'll get my own Netflix series out of it."

Don't forget to loom menacingly at your other half with a butter knife after that last one for full serial killer effect. Right, that's enough of stuff that's happened. What about the future? What about the forthcoming devaluation of the pound? Eh? Where are the jokes about that? Well, if you'll give me a minute, they're right here.

1. "I wish you luck on your wedding night, Rick. Mine was an absolute shambles. Very similar to the fate of sterling, actually. At first it was up, then it dropped right down after much indecision and a very hasty exit."

If none of those topical jokes fondled your fondant icing, then here are some timeless tonsil-ticklers (is that a thing?) that we've just written this week. They're so fresh you can hear their screams as we boil them alive.

1. "Kids, don't believe every idiom or piece of wisdom about marriage. They're not all right. Take, for example, the idea that honesty is always the best policy. See, everyone's laughing. They've tried it. They know it doesn't work. Therefore, after honesty, by the process of elimination, you must move on to dishonesty."

1. "He himself admits that he has an "explosive character", so I'm going to give John some advice in a context that he'll understand. Marriage is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring and you'll never see the house again."

1. "Everyone's tried to give me advice on how to be a good best man, but I found the most pertinent suggestion was something I overheard the Mother of the Bride saying to her other daughter this morning. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. And I thought yeah, it is probably better to move on her instead."

Okay, that's all the free humour you're getting this month. What do you think this is, socialist Venezuela? If you want more, you'll have to do what all men do when they hit fifty, and start paying for it. We'll be back early March with more wedding appropriate topical comedy. In the meantime, enjoy stocking up on insulin and tinned beans, and we'll see you in the Thunderdome shortly.