Speech Material For January 2018

January has begun as 2017 ended, with a continuation of the perpetual d**k measuring contest between Donald Trump and the rest of the world. And while the President is busy trying to orchestrate nuclear holocaust, Storm Eleanor has been doing her bit by battering the UK and Ireland with 100mph winds. In other news, there's been a mass brawl at a Glasgow crematorium after a funeral, the first polar bear for 24 years has been born in the UK, and there are a bunch of secret white Creme Eggs out there that could land you a tasty cash prize. Is it worth eating sixty of them to find it though?

Another interesting story you may be able to relate to a wedding is the ruling that Ticketmaster is no longer allowed to lie to customers by pretending the only good seats left are the most expensive. I'd wager a fair few bridezillas have tried that on with the wedding arrangements too. But if that particular story doesn't pique your interest, here are a few other topical wedding takes on the latest stories from the news:

1. "Any wannabe investors out there might have noticed the price of Bitcoin has had more ups and downs than a marriage lately. If you don't know what one is, it's a dangerous investment that you should plan carefully as it'll cost the earth if you mess it up. Oh, and Bitcoin is a cryptocurrency."

1. "I couldn't believe it when I saw that Youtuber Logan Paul had taken a video of a dead man. It was absolutely disgusting. Although I'm one to talk, I've been filming Chris all day and after the incoherent state he turned up to the ceremony in I'm pretty sure he's been a dead man walking."

If you've gone completely barmy and booked yourself a wedding shortly after the Christmas period, then you may want to play on some of the season's themes and common truths for a few easy laughs. Broken resolutions, going back to work, everyone being skint; these are just some of the many reasons why everyone in your wedding photos will look bloody miserable. So why not cheer them up with a few festive funnies to brighten their day:

1. "I wasn't too impressed with Shauna's choice of date for the wedding being so soon after Christmas. She's given us no chance to shed our festive food babies and look good for the photos. Honestly, I don't know how she's managed to slim down herself. Getting thin after Christmas is like trying to get frisky after a 12-hour bender - which is something Phil is going to have to manage himself later tonight."

1. "Isn't it nice to see everyone again so soon after we met up for the holidays? It means we can forget about all those arguments we had over Christmas and start a bunch of fresh ones instead."

1. "The happy couple will soon slope off to enjoy their well-deserved wedding night. And let's hope Josh has finally learned how to work some magic in the bedroom, otherwise Katie will experience her very own version of dry January."

1. "The difference between Christmas presents and wedding vows is that the former are much easier to take back when you decide you don't like them."

Sick to the back teeth of Christmas and all that comes with it? Don't worry, you're not alone, so here are some non-topical wedding lines we've plucked fresh from our wedding speech builder vault. And yes, we did baste them all thoroughly:

1. "Johnny's had a whole life strategy leading up to this day to help him meet the woman of his dreams. When we were kids he'd heard that opposites attract, so to snag a great girl like Alison he knew he had to become the biggest loser in the world. And boy has he ever succeeded."

1. "So why did he choose Felicia? Well, Harry's always been drawn towards women who look beautiful when they're angry. This attraction has always served him well, because once someone starts dating him that's how they'll look 90% of the time."

1. "Jamie tells me a lot about his love life with Tori. Apparently, she's been into that 50 Shades stuff lately. One night he got home and she said he could tie her up and do anything he wanted. So he handcuffed her to the bathroom radiator, and went down the pub."

The last joke there was a classic example of misdirection; you have led the audience to believe you're talking about one thing, and then you hit them with something else. This discrepancy between what the audience anticipates and what is being said is a great way to create comedy. If you want to see an example of it in action, this best man demonstrates the technique perfectly with a hilarious twist on the relationship between himself and his twin brother.

And with that, we shall leave you for yet another month. We'll be back as usual next month where we'll be ready to tee you up for some Valentine's lines and Pancake Day puns suitable for a fab February wedding.