Speech Material For May 2017

We've all got that one mate who hops from one relationship to another like a horny little rabbit. Who, by the time they're 30, has been married twice and divorced four times… somehow. The UK is acting very similarly at the moment, with politicians lining up to call elections, referendums and polls every five minutes. Remember when all we had to decide on was X Factor and whether Dierdre Barlow was innocent? Those were the days.

As well as the election, we've had the small matter of imminent nuclear destruction looming on the horizon, which is a nice change from all these f**king votes, isn't it? This makes Stephen Hawking's prediction that mankind has 100 years to leave the planet or else we'll face destruction look rather generous. Oh, and if that wasn't bad enough, the new one pound coins don't work either. So if you've had the foresight to arrange your wedding for a date preceding the apocalypse and the death of all things, here are a few tasty topical lines you can throw into your speech based on recent news:

1. "I have to admit Liam had cold feet when I saw him this morning. But luckily, I had planned ahead; I knew I wouldn't be able to get him out of bed by myself, so I had United Airlines cabin crew on speed dial."

1. "I worry about marriage in the era of fake news, because if the President of the United States can deny things he's been recorded saying and refuse to release his personal papers, so could my Jenny! There's only the ring left to prove you're married! One wrong move washing the pots and bam, you're divorced."

1. "I've always wanted to marry Cathy, but with Trump threatening North Korea I thought I'd better get a shift on unless I want to die a bachelor. I was half tempted to edit my vows as well you know; for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, radioactive or otherwise."

1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to announce that we are one dessert short for the evening, so someone's going to miss out. As we're presently under a Conservative government I feel it's only fitting that said person is someone who is disabled, poor or has a foreign sounding name. I'll let you fight amongst yourselves while we polish off the champagne."

Outside of all that malarkey, we've got the Premier League drawing to a close with Chelsea all but confirmed as champions, a load of local council elections coming up, and the new Guardians of the Galaxy and Pirates of the Caribbean films on their way. Oh, and don't forget your monthly slew of randomly chosen "international days", because May has some absolute beauties. The 11th is Receptionist's Day, 18th is Visit Your Relatives Day, the 25th is National Towel Day, and the 14th is International Mother's Day. No idea what that means. Maybe it's when all the mums get called up to play a friendly against German hausfraus? Anyway, here are some suitable one-liners:

1. "I hate these odd-numbered summers, because with neither a World Cup nor a Euros going on, it feels weird to go so long without weekly excitement. Although now I'm married I guess that's a feeling I'd best get used to."

1. "These council elections are a bit like early relationships, with the general election being marriage itself. You can get all your youthful stupidity out early when it doesn't really matter, and save your biggest mistake for the main event."

Not impressed by our topical efforts? Then why not try diving in to our ocean of non-topical gags at Weddingspeechbuilder, because we add new jokes to our gag repository on a monthly basis. So go on, get yourself soaking wet and take a look:

1. "As friends of hers will know, Jacqui is really into historical castles and buildings; particularly those of ancient Greece. Unfortunately I couldn't afford to take her abroad so we're going to an old Roman stronghold in Caernarfon instead. Oh well, it's the fort that counts."

1. "If you're wondering why my suit is a little baggy, you can thank the Italian bloke at Moss Bros for that. I tried on a suit I really liked and he said it was "abysmal", so I bought the next size up."

1. "The state of my previous marriage inspired my choice of wedding gift today. With my ex-wife I never knew where I stood, so I bought Jack and Jenny a GPS. Sorted."

That last joke will probably only work well if your ex-wife isn't the mother of the bride, or if she is, at least make sure she's not listening when you tell it.

But if you're looking to pass on some less controversial advice then take a leaf out of this guy's book, as he demonstrates perfectly how a Father of the Bride can be charming, loving and witty in 26 seconds flat. And with that, we bid you adieu. We'll see you next month… providing the world's still here, of course.