Speech Material For November 2017

November has been a bizarre month full of shocking accusations, with a slew of celebrities fingered over claims of sexual misconduct. Then there was the astonishing revelation that Russian propaganda helped sway the Brexit vote, the decision by Catalonians to separate from Spain, and some Irish bloke cooked his poor pooch with Oxo and onions before feeding it to another hungry hound. Talk about a dog eat dog world!

Meanwhile, a British couple visiting a chapel on the Greek island of Rhodes angered the head of the Rhodian clergy after simulating a sex act in front of the holy site. Hundreds of foreign weddings at the venue may now be cancelled in light of this, angering many couples who booked months ahead. But you know what, I agree with this decision. He's only protecting the sanctity of marriage and religion. We shouldn't be so quick to bash the bishop.

Ahem. Here are some other topical jokes based on the past month's news which you may wish to sprinkle like confetti into your forthcoming wedding speech?

1. "I think we can all agree that the vicar conducted a very touching ceremony... emotionally, of course, not in a Harvey Weinstein way."

1. "Fiona, Jake is a good guy, but when I look at you I can't help thinking of the EU exit negotiations. You might have made your choice hoping for the best, but you've really got no idea what you've let yourself in for."

1. "Scientists have just discovered why a 186 year-old tortoise called Jonathan has never been interested in mating. He's gay. Isn't that amazing! Now he can find a nice boy tortoise to settle down with, get married, and continue avoiding sex for a load of different reasons instead."

As November charges towards us like a child off its tits on e-numbers, let's try to ignore the looming presence of Monsieur Claus and focus on some of the events we must endure in the meantime. Halloween just passed, but Guy Fawkes night is on the horizon. Bake off is nearly done, but the equally important Remembrance Sunday pops by on the 11th. And after that we've got Kindness Day on the 13th, Diabetes Day on the 14th and both International Men's Day and World Toilet Day on the 19th - make of that what you will.

1. "As Remembrance Sunday approaches it reminds me of the incredible sacrifices my kin have made for me. None more so than my brother Phil, who, on the night I introduced Carrie to the family, pretended those Steps CDs were his and not mine."

1. "I know Laura won't like me saying this, but my own wedding night was a lot like a bonfire celebration. There were fireworks, there were flames of passion, Jennie my wife had a little sparkler in her hand, and the noises we made frightened children and animals across the county."

The past month's news has been rather grotesque and depressing, so it's understandable if you feel that some of our jokes may not be of suitable taste for your forthcoming wedding. Nevertheless, our wedding speech builder vault contains plenty of PG material which has no connection to the news whatsoever. Here are two recent additions for your reading pleasure:

1. "Now I know it's a little sombre to talk about grief on such a happy occasion, but I feel I must explain the reason for my sullen demeanour. I lost a very good friend and drinking partner recently; he got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

1. "Looking at the cost of this wedding and I'm ready to have an accident at work that wasn't my fault."

These last two jokes are pretty tame, but if you've decided to run the risk of using risqué material you might want to take a few tips from this best man. You'll notice at the end he delays the delivery of a blue punchline just enough for tension to build. Someone even interjects with a "hey" as if to warn him. It's then that the best man decides to strike, putting the audience at ease as he skirts over the naughtiness his build-up hinted at. This is a neat little trick if you're keen on adult humour but unwilling to risk the consequences. And with that pointer, we shall leave you. The next time we'll become acquainted you'll be just about ready to open the first door on your advent calendar.

Then, before you know it, it's April 2034 and the machines have come to rule us all.