Speech Material For September 2017

As you might expect, the past month's news has been somewhat overshadowed by Kim Jong Un's launching of a missile towards Japan. But if you'd like to avoid your September wedding speech missing the mark in such a way then why not throw in a few topical references to some recent newsworthy events. For example, William and Kate are squirting out another burden on the taxpayer in the form of their third child, Everton forward Wayne Rooney is on the cusp of divorce after kissing another girl and Hurricane Harvey has decimated Texas to the cost of many lives and billions of dollars.

In brighter news, American astronaut Peggy Whitson broke the record for the most time spent in space by an American or a woman with an incredible 665 days in orbit. We've also had an announcement from Nintendo that Mario is no longer a plumber. Wow, this recession is really hitting hard. But if none of these topical tales are inspiring enough, then try some of these takes on recent topical events instead:

1. "McDonalds workers have gone on strike for the first time ever. That's insane. They're the most replaceable people in the world. It's like if John refused to marry Melanie. She's hardly going to struggle to find willing applicants is she?"

1. "4 in 5 leave voters would apparently be happy with continued EU migration. That's crazy. If Lee and Niamh ever get divorced I doubt she'll be happy to allow him back in."

September offers plenty of calendar-based humour too, with Yom Kippur just one of many significant events occurring during the following month. We've also got the autumnal equinox, the return of children to school, and towards the end, that bloke from Green Day is meant to wake up too. So if your wedding date happens to fall on an important day, try working this reference into your speech for a few easy laughs:

1. "Someone on Twitter pointed out that if you were to have a baby now the man would get two weeks parental leave just in time for the World Cup. I'm just saying, there's a wedding night coming up and England are usually done by week two, so I'd get cracking Dave."

1. "Today, September 16th, is the International Day for the Preservation of the Ozone layer. With that in mind, I'd ask you all to go easy on the buffet scotch eggs."

1. "Today is September 30th, and John and Lisa's wedding just so happens to have fallen on International Blasphemy Day. Now I'm not quite sure if this event is supposed to be for or against sacrilegious activity, but I do know that the Lord's name will be repeated in vain many times tonight...if John knows what he's doing."

A wedding is a great place to switch off from the tragic happenings of the outside world, so it's understandable that topical humour may not be of interest to some. If that's the case, our wedding speech vault contains a wealth of non-topical material that is constantly refreshed for all your oratorical needs. Here are two recent additions we've made to our vast repository of wedding-appropriate content:

1. "Before festivities begin I need to point out a few things. On behalf of the venue I'd like to point out the fire exits here, here and here. In the interests of the Groom's wallet I'd like to point out the alcoholics here, here and here. And for the safety of the Bridesmaids I'd like to draw your attention to the single, desperate losers here, here and here (point at Groom). Sorry Steve, force of habit."

1. "Sarah is a notoriously anal person, and not in a good way either. She demonstrated her perfectionist nature this morning when I caught her ironing Matt's wedding suit at 7am. That wouldn't have been a problem were it not for the fact that Matt got dressed at 6.30. Oh well, a little Savlon will sort those burns out."

Something to remember when using our material is that it is important you tailor our offerings to the participants of the wedding themselves. It's no good chucking in a funny gag about a perfectionist if the Bride is a right slob. And when you've chosen your content, linking this material is key to the creation of a thoughtful, amusing speech. This guy here knows what we're talking about, as he manages to find a clever little link between the Groom's nationality and the contents of the wedding feast. As they always say, the devil is in the details. If your Groom's vomit closely resembles the vegetable soup you've just had for starters, feel free to throw in a quick off the cuff reference for bonus points. And with that disgusting image it is time for us to leave. We'll be back in October as usual - or not, if the Ozone layer fails.