Jamie Oliver Inspired Wedding Speech Material

Summer is over, tomorrow is Christmas, in a week it'll be 2024 and next month we'll all be dead. But don't worry, because if the past month is anything to go by, there will be plenty of newsworthy nothingness to distract you from your forthcoming demise. In recent weeks we've seen Bono lose his voice, the Littlewoods Pools building set on fire and Chris Evans announce that he's leaving Radio 2 for Virgin - that one's too easy.

Elsewhere, The Great British Bake Off has returned to our screens, a bishop groped Ariana Grande at Aretha Franklin's funeral, and Roxanne Pallett's made a big fuss over a playfight on Celebrity Big Brother. But none of those stories tickled our wedding tackle, so here are a few tales that did:

1. "One of Baz's all-time heroes Alastair Cook has just retired from cricket. Contrarily, as any wedded man will profess, married life involves a lot of arse-kissing, which means that Barry has only just begun his time at the crease."

1. "Poor Jamie Oliver got in trouble last month for claiming to have invented something called 'Jerk Rice', which some said constituted an act of cultural appropriation. I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that the Italians would be bloody livid if they saw Phil eating his tiramisu with jelly and ice cream."

The next month may not contain many official holidays for you to work with in terms of material, but there are plenty of abstract events and transitions if you think about it. This is the time of year when kids return to school and childless couples jet off on their holidays now the prices have returned to normal. It's during this month that we'll likely experience an Indian summer too, swiftly followed by a torrential downpour lasting until April. If you're struggling to think of some timely comments, try to think about what September means to you and yours:

1. "For Jack and Lisa, September is often a period of great upheaval, as this is when their rental contract runs out, and almost every year they embark on yet another big move. This time they've decided to stay put, and for Jack's sake it's a good job they did, because it's hard to carry a bride and a three-piece suite over the threshold in one go."

1. "It's quite apt that these two have married in September, it being the month where summer transforms into autumn. Likewise, Jennifer has transformed from a beautiful girl in a dress into a beautiful bride. And Colin…well, he still plays with Transformers. He's 39!"

Topical comedy isn't everyone's cup of Marmite, though, so as ever we'll end this article with a few examples pilfered from our Wedding Speech Builder vault. Is your bride into fitness? Is the bride's father a bit of a snoop? Then these gags should work nicely to illustrate said traits:

1. "I must admit that in the run up to the wedding I was concerned that Linda was having an affair, as I've barely seen her this past month or two. She claims to have been going to classes, yet she still can't speak a word of Zumba!"

1. "Many of you will be wondering where these two are heading off on honeymoon as they've kept it secret. I found out yesterday, but until then Melissa refused even to tell me, her own father. She thinks I'm a right nosey bastard who won't be able to keep it to myself. I wish you'd say these things to my face instead of writing it in your diary."

I have been reliably informed that October is next up in the calendar, and with it will come a ghoulish assortment of Halloween-based hilarities suitable for any necromancy-inspired nuptials taking place that month. We'll see you in just a shade over four weeks, when our October wedding speech article is scheduled to arrive piping hot into your inbox.