Bride speech rules

As the bride, you have the choice to say pretty much what you like and when you like.

Nobody in their right mind would argue with a bride on her wedding day, unless they're a seriously hardcore masochist anyway. You have almost carte blanche to say what you like, when you like in your speech. You may want to go first, or you might want to wait and see what the chaps have in store so you can judge how harsh you need to be on the poor sods. You are in a rather gilded position, yet, there are still some rules that all speech-makers at a wedding need to abide by - yes, even you princess.

  • You should obviously be courteous and thankful, but not to the point of nausea. A speech without humour is as unbearable as a man in a suit jacket and jeans.
  • Always vet your husband's speech for duplicate content, and also for any good jokes that you tell him are too harsh, but that you can then steal.
  • Having a checklist of thank yous is a good way of seeing who your husband missed out, meaning you can address them in your own speech to avoid a grumpy meeting at the bar later.
  • Inject your personality into the speech. Our templates and jokes are a framework for you to mould around your own unique insights and characteristics. Just don't sing the bloody thing.
  • Short snappy anecdotes are far more impactful than long meandering stories; leave the prattling to your dad.
  • Memorise at least the first paragraph or two of your speech, then read the rest of it with a glass of wine in your hand, occasionally remembering to glance at the audience.
  • Speak slowly and confidently, and leave a pause where you think the audience might laugh, cry or collapse in utter astonishment.
  • Put some amusing visual cues in your speech to give it character, such as (glare at husband), (slap husband in the face).
  • Make your anecdotes broad and relatable, and preferably not vulgar as the sound of old folks tutting is a well-known mood killer.
  • Try and end on something memorable instead of letting it trail off. This can be a one-liner, a revelatory anecdote, some emotional words or even a sexy little Morris dance.
  • Try to cover the lot in less than ten minutes, or approximately 1,000 words.