Recent Father of the Bride Speech Additions

Your catalogue of offensive one-liners and typical dad jokes might go down well at the Dog and Duck on a Friday night, but try and use these in a wedding speech and you'll end up utterly Dog and Ducked. Here's a tiny sample from the veritable treasure trove of fresh new observations on the modern role fathers play, both on the wedding day and in everyday life.

(A sample of the new lines we've added in March)

  1. [Tongue-in-cheek reminiscences / Always on the phone ]

    When your daughter gets married and leaves home they say, to make you feel better, ‘Think of it as not losing a daughter, but gaining a son.’ In my case I’m also gaining a telephone and a bathroom.

  2. [Tongue-in-cheek reminiscences / Forceful nature ]

    I have found that the best way to give advice to my daughter is to find out precisely what she wants and advise her to do it.

  3. [Bride's career choice / Publishing & Writing ]

    Linda is an accomplished writer and among her great works are three startlingly brilliant instalments of poetry, an epic romance novel, and the speech that she wrote for me today.

  4. [Moments from her past / Teenage ‘rebellion’]

    In her teenage years Linda perfected the art of female charm, she could talk her way out of anything... but a telephone call.

  5. [Moments from her past / School years ]

    Throughout Linda’s school life I found myself repeating the same phrase over and over, “Why didn’t you do your homework?” It has taken her many years, but when I look at the man she is marrying I know that she finally did her homework. For your grade I award an A minus. Not quite a straight A, because let’s face it: Paul is not a millionaire.

  6. [Opening line / humorous icebreaker ]

    It was so long ago that Carol and I were married, everything back then was in black and white. We drank Guinness instead of champagne, Charlie Chaplin was the best man, and our honeymoon was spent in a snow-covered charcoal quarry, which we travelled to by zebra. Anyway, it’s great to see you’ve all come in colour today, not least my daughter who is veritably luminous with beauty.

  7. [Bride's best quality / Honest/Trustworthy ]

    Linda is such an honest girl, I don’t believe she has lied once in her life. Well, there was that time five minutes ago when she said people would enjoy my speech.

  8. [Bride's best quality / Meticulous]

    Linda wanted everything to look just perfect today, and if you think I seem a little different to normal, you’d be right. I am in fact a 32-year-old actor playing the part of Linda’s father.