Recent Father of the Bride Speech Additions

Your catalogue of offensive one-liners and typical dad jokes might go down well at the Dog and Duck on a Friday night, but try and use these in a wedding speech and you'll end up utterly Dog and Ducked. Here's a tiny sample from the veritable treasure trove of fresh new observations on the modern role fathers play, both on the wedding day and in everyday life.

(A sample of the new lines we've added in May)

  1. [Bride's best quality / Ethical]

    Linda is a woman of principle and she wanted this to be an ethical wedding. That’s why the food is organic, the drink is Fair Trade, and why the groom will be recycled at the end of the day.

  2. [Bride's best quality / Meticulous]

    Linda wanted everything to look just perfect today, and if you think I seem a little different to normal, you’d be right. I am in fact a 32-year-old actor playing the part of Linda’s father.

  3. [Moments from her past / School years]

    You couldn't criticise Linda for the grades she got in school. Although I did try once, and this was her response: ‘I don’t get the best marks in school, daddy, do you get the best salary at your office?’

  4. [Moments from her past / Teenage ‘rebellion’]

    For many years Linda regarded home as a drive-in where Dad paid for the hamburger.

  5. [Bride's career choice / Legal profession]

    With Linda being a solicitor you would expect the happy couple to have a pre-nuptial agreement … nothing complicated, Paul's going to wash and Linda is going to dry.

  6. [Tongue-in-cheek reminiscences / Loves to organise]

    My daughter wanted to organise everything for her wedding. Organise - yes, pay for - no.

  7. [Tongue-in-cheek reminiscences / Always gets her own way]

    I have spoken to Paul about keeping Linda in the manner to which she’s become accustomed – the pony, the language tutor, the tennis lessons … naturally I said no to all of them! I was determined to bring her up in a disciplined manner, and naturally she always got her own way, rather like today, because she is absolutely irresistible.

  8. [Bride's best quality / Reliable]

    Linda is an unerringly reliable daughter, and our decision to keep her electronically-tagged in the run up to the wedding was entirely precautionary.

  9. [Bride's best quality / House proud]

    I can take some credit for Linda’s domestic skills. My wife taught her from an early age how to look after herself, on the basis that, ‘You are not going to be as helpless as your father.’

  10. [Bride's best quality / Popular]

    Over the years Linda’s made many friends. She’s a popular girl, extremely caring and warm hearted - and all round good company. But this should come as no surprise, we are related you know!