Recent Father of the Bride Speech Additions

Your catalogue of offensive one-liners and typical dad jokes might go down well at the Dog and Duck on a Friday night, but try and use these in a wedding speech and you'll end up utterly Dog and Ducked. Here's a tiny sample from the veritable treasure trove of fresh new observations on the modern role fathers play, both on the wedding day and in everyday life.

(A sample of the new lines we've added in July)

  1. [Bride's best quality / Meticulous]

    Linda has always wanted things to be just right. Linda’s mother and I were always impressed by Linda’s school reports, which consistently praised her meticulous nature. But today we wondered if she had gone a bit too far with her attention to detail when we found out she had asked Madame Tussauds to make the figures for the top of the wedding cake, modelled on herself and Paul.

  2. [Tongue-in-cheek reminiscences / Always gets her own way ]

    My daughter was a confident kind of child. On many occasions, after I’d lose an argument, I found myself wondering what kind of man she’d marry. Well, today I’ve got my answer. My new son-in-law is handsome, clever, kind hearted – and very, very brave.

  3. [Tongue-in-cheek reminiscences / Control freak ]

    I'd like to say that my daughter has vetted this speech, so if you consider any of the material inappropriate, it's her fault.

  4. [Bride's career choice / Legal profession]

    With Linda being a solicitor you would expect the happy couple to have a pre-nuptial agreement … nothing complicated, Paul's going to wash and Linda is going to dry.

  5. [Moments from her past / Teenage ‘rebellion’]

    Linda was a smart girl. She always asked her father’s opinion after she made up her mind.

  6. [Moments from her past / University days ]

    She's an intelligent girl, my daughter. She demonstrated this when she graduated from university with a degree in English. She must get her brains from someone other than me. I still have mine.

  7. [Moments from her past / Teenage ‘rebellion’]

    Like most children at some stage, Linda made the selfish decision to become thirteen. Overnight, she morphed into a monster; temper tantrums, selfishness, insecurity and tears followed. Eventually, thank God, she became eighteen, transformed into a lady, and the difficult times were forgotten – so I thought – forever. The lead up to a wedding can evoke nostalgia in strange ways…

  8. [Bride's best quality / Ethical]

    Linda is a woman of principle and she wanted this to be an ethical wedding. That’s why the food is organic, the drink is Fair Trade, and why the groom will be recycled at the end of the day.