Father of the Bride Speech 65

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Now, let me just come right out and say it… I’m nervous. You are witnessing a man who is actually sweating Moët. For me, speeches are like babies; great fun to conceive, not so joyous to deliver. [Looks to bride and groom] I’ll explain that one to you two later.

To be honest, I’ve been a nervous wreck ever since I found out my daughter was getting married, and this worsened tenfold when I discovered the man she was marrying wasn’t a millionaire. Still, this is the proudest moment of my entire life, and I couldn’t be happier for Gareth and Cheryl. Congratulations to you both.

However, it wouldn’t be anything without all of you… so I’d like to thank everyone here for turning out for this great occasion. Some of you I haven’t seen for eons and others I haven’t even met… and to all of you I extend a gracious hand and say eat, drink and be merry at my infinitesimal expense. In giving Cheryl away today, I have not so much lost a daughter as gained a considerable personal debt.

Still it was all worth it – the bride and groom looked a picture today. Actually, I looked a picture too – you know the Edvard Munch piece, right? But what a ceremony! Almost the whole congregation was in tears, although that may have been hay fever caused by Cheryl’s over-zealous ordering of flowers. Honestly, I was half-expecting the priest to turn around and reveal himself to be Alan Titchmarsh.

I have to say that today, as I have become a father-in-law, I have begun to weigh up the extent of my newfound responsibilities. And the good news is… there are none. From now on, if Cheryl has to be picked up pissed and swearing from a nightclub at three in the morning – Gareth, she’s all yours. If she wants to borrow a few grand for that must-have Prada handbag – Gareth, you’d better take out your wallet. If she wants to moan that her boss is being unfairly demanding – Gareth, guess who’s shoulder she’s crying on? You see, the beginning of this institution of marriage also marks the end of some of my old institutions: Dad’s Taxi Service, the Bank of Dad and Agony Dad are all officially out of service.

But back to the soppy stuff. [Turn to Cheryl] Darling, I mean it with the whole of my heart when I say that you mean so much to me and your mother. You have always considerably brightened up our home, and for that I’ll be deducting past electricity bills from the honeymoon fund. Seriously though, you have been the perfect daughter to me and your mother, and if Gareth receives just a portion of the kindness, generosity and love you have given your parents over the years, he is a lucky man indeed.

[Turn to groom] As for you, Gareth… when Cheryl first introduced me to you, I thought she’d performed a citizen’s arrest. But it didn’t take you long to fit into the family mould, and soon you were farting in front of the TV like the rest of us. You have become an intricate part of our family, and I’ve personally come to cherish you as a true friend. I wish you all the best in your new life with my lovely daughter.

Now, as my role as the father of the bride, I feel I should pass on a little of my worldly advice to both of the newlyweds. The first thing I would say is [Suddenly shout] “DON’T DO IT!”… [Calm again] but that somehow seems a little late. Instead then, I would suggest that the most important thing in a good marriage is compromise. So Gareth, if Cheryl wants you to watch a chick-flick but you’re set on the footy, compromise and watch the chick flick. If Cheryl decides she’s going vegetarian for a month, but you have a burger marathon planned with your mates, compromise by cancelling and going veggie with her. If she says she’d rather go on holiday in Cornwall than in Ibiza, meet her halfway and go to Cornwall. As a husband, it’s all about compromises. Compromise everything and you’ll do just fine.

My second piece of advice is to always try and show an interest in each other’s lives. But considering the fact that Cheryl is already able to down 12 pints of Carling in less than three hours, and that Gareth likes wearing the odd dress of a Sunday, I think you’re already well on the way to a healthy marriage.

Finally, to round off my duties for today – even if they’ve been more perspiration than inspiration – I’d like you all to raise a glass to Gareth and Cheryl and wish them all the best for the future. [To couple] This may seem the happiest day of your life right now, but trust me… there are many more to come.

[Raise glass] To the happy couple!