Groom speech rules

The groom makes the day's second speech following the father-of-the-bride and his toast.

You will have to toast the bridesmaids, and then thank anyone else involved in setting up the wedding. This could include relatives, friends, the staff… even those little kids who do nothing but throw flowers everywhere. The problem is you need to do this in an entertaining way, as nobody wants to hear a guy reel off a list of names in a monotone voice. This isn't a remembrance service for some horrific war crime, it's your wedding day (although the two do share a lot of similarities)! This is one of many important rules you must follow when writing your wedding speech, a few other handy tips are:

  • Keep it shorter than ten minutes, which equates to approximately 1,000 words. Don't be the guy who drones on and prevents people getting their tipple and trifle.
  • Talk like you're actually part of a couple with plenty of 'we' rather than 'I'. She's sat right next to you!
  • Make sure your anecdotes are broad enough that everyone can understand and that don't require an intimate knowledge of your friends and drunken antics.
  • If you're going to make fun of your bride or the mother-in-law, make it light, make it clever, or make an escape plan.
  • Don't make the whole thing read like a Jimmy Carr routine, but equally make sure you at least have some good laughs in there. This isn't a funeral.
  • Personalise the speech so it doesn't look like you've just lifted it from a website by adding anecdotes and observations that are unique to you and your bride.
  • Try to learn at least some of the speech you lazy sod, even just the opening lines. If you're reading the rest from a page remember to occasionally look up instead of bowing your head like you're in a murder trial.
  • Take your time to pace and project your speech, letting your hilarious and heartfelt words sink in.
  • If you're including a poem or song in your speech, consider what an absolute arse-candle you're going to look on the wedding video.
  • Don't try to be clever and use technology to enhance a crap speech. Did Churchill illustrate his stunning oratory with slides of funny cat pictures? No, no he did not.
  • Take some Dutch courage with a swift glass of Scotch to give you a bit more confidence. Two or more drinks and that's Irish courage, which is far too courageous.
  • Run it past at least one other person! Our jokes and anecdotes are meant to be tweaked and personalised, but we hold no responsibility if you decide to put in some horrific one-liners about dead celebrities that backfire on you.