Last Night of Freedom

(March 2018)

The following article consists of a detailed guide on how to secure the cheapest hookers, most limber dwarves and the safest street drugs you'll need for a truly memorable stag party.

Not really.

In truth, this piece will help you to tone down your wild tales of debauchery into something family friendly. At a wedding, it is expected that the groom's last night of freedom will be referenced in one way or another, however messy or sedate it may have been. But unless you want a room full of crying children and handbag-wielding mothers on your case, you should save the gory details for a night down the pub. Stag party tales can still provide fantastic material if they're edited for taste, and so can the groom's early morning preparations if he's spent the day of the wedding separated from his beloved.

So without further ado, let's take a look at a few examples of how the various wedding speech-givers can reference both the groom's last night of freedom and his final morning of bachelorhood.

The Father

It is unusual but not unheard of for the father of the bride to join the groom on his last night of freedom. But just because you haven't been invited it doesn't mean you can't reference the trip anyway. Hinting at sordid activities and laddish behaviour may come off weird in the hands of a bride's father, so instead, try using your imagination to conjure up a scenario related to your son-in-law's personality or history.

  1. "Now I can't confirm these rumours, but a little bird has told me that Scott was so nervous last night he ended up trashing his hotel room. Shocking, isn't it? Although remember, this is Scott we're talking about. For him, trashing a hotel room means leaving towels on the bed and refusing to complete a guest comment card."

  1. "Thankfully, Darren's stag party was weeks ago as I know our Joanne wouldn't have stood for him drinking last night and being hungover this morning. So if he does appear dishevelled, unkempt and tired, I can only presume he's suffering the effects of marriage far earlier than anticipated."

The Groom

The groom has a plethora of options to choose from when it comes to referencing either his final night or wedding day morning. Perhaps you've made some promises to your beloved regarding your behaviour. Or maybe you have a morning routine you need to help get you through your big day. Whatever it is you're talking about, try focusing on honest, true feelings rather than anything exaggerated. Referencing real aspects of yours or your wife's personality will make this part of the speech even more endearing, and I'm sure the best man has you covered for all the weird stuff afterwards.

  1. "I knew that when Daisy saw me she'd have a beaming smile on her face, and I wanted to make sure I had the same waiting for her. But if I'm honest, when I get a bee in my bonnet I'm a right mardy arse, so this morning I asked my best man Eric to keep me away from all bad news, and to sugar coat everything so I was in the best mood possible. It worked a treat. Come the ceremony I was grinning like a Cheshire cat, and it was only afterwards he told me that the lottery ticket was fake, my bald patch wasn't looking better and that Carlisle United hadn't won 4-0 or signed Angel Di Maria."

  1. "For my last night of freedom I was sure under a lot of restrictions from my bride to be, but like a true husband I respected each and every one. I promised Samia that I'd have a quiet one and I did. The streets are surprisingly peaceful at 3am. I promised I'd get up to no funny business and I did not. The comedy store was closed so we went to a strip club. And finally, I promised her with all of my heart that we would take the bus home. We did. And we shall return it tomorrow."

Best Man

The best man is expected to be brutally honest in his description of the groom's behaviour last night or this morning. However, there is considerably less pressure for you to be truthful or even accurate. The best jokes always come from a very real place, but if nothing of note happened then feel free to invent situations to suit your comic tastes. When the audience is laughing their heads off, nobody really cares what's real and what isn't.

  1. "I have to say though Claire, Johnny was true to his word even though I tried to pressure him into getting drunk. He was under strict instructions from you to behave the night before his wedding, and behave he did. Despite this, at 11.34pm precisely I offered your husband a yard of vodka. I knew it was a long shot."

  1. "Obviously it's bad luck for the groom to see the wedding dress before the ceremony, so last night Carl stayed at mine after we had a few drinks to commemorate the forthcoming loss of his testicles. But it won't be happening again I swear. When we got up this morning he kept asking me about my futuristic bathroom. He said the light turned on when he opened the door, and shut off again when he closed it. It was only when I went to make some cornflakes I realised he'd taken a dump in my fridge."