Speech Material For August 2017

The news over the last month has been a real mix in terms of tone and content, which means there's plenty of opportunities to include topical guff in your summer wedding speech whatever your style. The big news in sport was Neymar Jr's world-record £198 million (!) move from Barcelona to Paris Saint Germain, with the Brazilian reportedly keen to emerge from the shadow of his Argentinian teammate Lionel Messi. But the little fella's only 5'7, so he needn't have gone all the way to Paris just for that.

In other news… NASA advertised for a position to help fight extraterrestrial invaders, the guy who played the original Godzilla is dead, Usain Bolt came third in his last ever race, and some bloke's open love letter about his plus size wife divided opinion as it went viral. But we've written precisely zero jokes about all that malarkey, so you'll have to make do with these instead:

1. "Any Game of Thrones fans in? I bet you're worried now that hackers have threatened to release future scripts aren't you? Well, let me save you the trouble and tell you how it ends, because the whole story is blatantly based on marriage anyway. There's drama, bloodshed, the occasional boob if you're lucky, an interfering old dragon (look at mother in law), constant shouts of 'shame, shame, shame', and towards the end you'll end up a pair of doddery old white walkers fighting some bastard over a wall."

1. "The London Underground has recently gone all PC, replacing 'good morning ladies and gentlemen' with 'good morning everyone'. So since it's 2017 I thought I'd do the same and make a speech that's a bit more inclusive. Here goes. Good afternoon friends, family, freeloaders, freaks, and folks we don't see often for very good reasons."

1. "Anyone seen that shocking video of that jogging man pushing that poor woman under a bus? Terrible business, isn't it? Luckily Sharon's forgiven Dave and he says he won't let cold feet get the better of him ever again."

Outside of the news, this summer has been typically British, in that it's mostly consisted of sporting failure and rain. Meanwhile, Europe is enjoying a heatwave so hot it's been called Lucifer, and in Brazil the annual "Miss Bum Bum" competition is about to kick off. Life just isn't fair, is it? But all is not lost, for this month we've got a bank holiday to look forward to, left-handers day on the 13th, eat a peach day on the 22nd and women's equality day on the 26th. Meh, screw equality, let's return to Miss Bum Bum and see if we can't squeeze some cheeky humour out from that:

1. "For any gentlemen in the room who weren't aware, the Miss Bum Bum competition has just begun their search for the best pair of buttocks in Brazil. Gary doesn't need to see that sort of thing though; the only sparkly ring he needs is the one on Karen's finger."

1. "I actually think it's a bit selfish of Terry and Clare to organise a wedding in the summer holidays. What about all those people who are knackered by half-nine and want an excuse to go home? The kids haven't got school tomorrow, so what are they supposed to do? Tell the truth?"

Still not tickled by any of this topical twaddle? Fair enough, we've got plenty of new non-topical gags waiting for you in our Wedding Speech Builder vault. Here are a couple of fresh lines we've only just added:

1. "One way of relieving stress on the morning of a wedding is to do household chores. This might explain why I caught (GROOM) hovering in his pants. Of course, only he knows what was in there."

1. "To those of you who turned up dressed all smart, I'd like to thank you for making an effort. Some of you, however, have rather disappointed me with your dishevelled appearances. I mean look at you. Jeans, cleavage, no ties. This isn't what I meant when I requested 'bums on seats'."

That last line would work very well in the hands of someone like this best man, whose straight delivery helps the final punchline sing like a mafia goon hooked up to a car battery by his nipples. What an enchanting image to end on… that's your lot for this month, but we'll be back as ever with some more news-based nuggets of humour at the same time next month. Which calendars have led me to believe is referred to as September. Well I'll be…