Speech Material For March 2018

There have been plenty of weird and wonderful happenings which could easily be slipped into a topical wedding speech joke. Two minor earthquakes have hit Britain in the past month, Toys R Us is going into administration, and it turns out there may be lots of water on the moon. Speaking of space, how awesome was the Falcon Heavy launch? Starman was exciting enough, but those twin landing rockets were something else!

And then of course we've got the news that China has censored Winnie the Pooh, Kim Jong Un once had a Brazilian passport, and there are growing rumours that the Spice Girls will reform to play Prince Harry's wedding.

But we couldn't think of any good jokes for all that, so here's some other stuff that happened instead:

1. "I tell you what. I'm glad that cold snap has ended in time for the wedding. Otherwise nobody would've been able to get here! The beast from the east I believe they call her - I'm so glad you could make it from Grimsby Aunt Margaret."

1. "Did anyone see that Russian Winter Olympian who wore a t-shirt that said 'I Don't Do Doping'? Guess what, he got caught doping. Pretty brazen right? It'd be like Liam wearing a t-shirt that says 'I didn't soil myself in the taxi on the stag do and have to be taken home to change.'

1. "Before I go I just want to say a quick word about how sad I am that Maplin is about to go bust. If any of you shop there, you need to use your gift cards as soon as possible. But Gary, Leanne, you have no reason to rush. I already knew exactly what kind of HDMI cable you'd want."

March is chock-full of commemorative dates for you to play with in your wedding speech too. On the 11th it's Mother's Day, and then on the 17th, we've got St. Patrick's Day. Good day for a wedding is St Paddy's so it is, especially if there's an open bar, since most of your guests will probably turn up drunk already. Oh, and here's an interesting twist on date-based humour - historical happenings. Did you know that on the 15th of March, Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by his friends and assassinated? We reckon you could work that into a speech somehow.

1. "I don't know if the happy couple intended this or not, but their wedding today happens to coincide with Palm Sunday. This may not mean much to those of a non-religious persuasion. Nor those of you who are young, single men, for whom every Sunday is Palm Sunday."

1. "It's quite apt that Katie and Harry chose March 2nd as their wedding day, as this also falls on Employee Appreciation Day. So next up, I'd like you to welcome to the mic the Groom, who is about to say some lovely things about his new boss."

1. "What a lovely ceremony it was, especially the bit about in sickness and in health, because Kayla, I've seen you when Robert's ill. No sympathy whatsoever. If the Oscars were next week you'd be nominated for that performance."

If none of these topical jokes tickle your funny bones then fret not fair speechwriter, for there are plenty of non-topical gags waiting for you in our wedding speech builder joke repository. Usually, you have to give someone a secret handshake and spit in their mouth to gain access, but we're going to let you have a little taste of what's inside with two great lines that have just been added to our vault:

1. "I hope you like my wedding suit. I purposely chose this shirt because it's the one Linda steals the most often. She has a habit of wearing my clothes. She thinks women look sexy in a man's big shirt. Yet when I take one of her dresses, suddenly 'we need to talk'."

1. "The happy couple will be honeymooning in Barbados, I wish I was going. Just for a laugh I did try and pack myself in their suitcase this morning. I could hardly contain myself."

Right, that's your lot, sonny. No more jokes unless you sign up for our vault and spit in that man's mouth. Oh wait, no we actually stopped doing that. Health and Safety malarkey, innit? Well if you really want more free material you'll have to wait until our April update which will come, unsurprisingly, in April. Ta ta for now!