Speech Material For July 2018

It's coming home, it's coming home, it's coming…!

I am of course referring to the great depression, which will surely be stirred from its decade-long slumber as our once great nation shambles aimlessly towards financial oblivion. But it's okay because the World Cup's been fun, hasn't it! Unless you're Irish of course, or Welsh, or Scottish, or German, or you hate football. But for all you sour pusses there's always Love Island to keep you entertained. And those fires up north, they're quite mesmerising, aren't they? No? Oh well, here are some other topical references you may enjoy instead:

1. "Anyone got a Samsung phone? It's just. apparently, they've got this bug where they send out pictures to your contacts at random. And in a bizarre coincidence, several of Gary's mates independently decided to purchase a Samsung two days after the stag do. I guess that explains all those photos of a gimped-up dwarf I received, eh?"

1. "The UK's most wanted conman was recently arrested in Switzerland. So why am I mentioning this? Well his last act of freedom was to sell Don his groom's suit. Apparently, it's a genuine Kevin Kline."

1. "I know Ian has a lot of gay friends and I just want to say welcome, and how glad I am that Britain has finally decided to ban gay cure therapies. It's not right. People should be able to love whoever they feel like loving. And besides, them homophobes only need to wait a few decades. It doesn't matter if you're straight, gay or bisexual, because time will cure every sexual desire whether you like it or not."

Bah, it's too hot to write jokes. You've got to feel sorry for anyone getting married in this damn heatwave. One couple who will have no such problem is Cheryl and Liam Payne, whose tragic breakup has made the entire Wedding Speech Builder team collapse in floods of tears. We can barely hold it together if we're honest with you. But if you or someone you know are getting married in the month of July, here are some timely references you could make as you sweat your way through a summer wedding speech.

1. "Wimbledon's coming up! This is where I'm supposed to compare tennis to marriage to try and get a few laughs. Okay then, here goes. Erm, I hope Sarah doesn't receive a few backhanders from John, otherwise she might serve him divorce papers. That'll never happen though, because he's not an angry man, not since he cut back on the mixed doubles. At his age he has to or he's at risk of getting a dead rubber on the wedding night. How old is he you say? He's 40, love."

1. "July is so named after the great Roman Emperor Julius Caesar, for this was the month of his birth. Now you may remember that Caesar was also stabbed in the back 23 times by his close friends, and after what Lee and Ryan organised for my stag do, I think I know how he felt."

1. "Marilyn has two things to celebrate this month, as it's also her birthday coming up. You may not know this but the birthstone for July is the ruby, as this signals contentment, and since meeting Greg she's been exactly that; content. The Groom on the other hand was born in March, and it is a testament to his tight-arse nature that he's been ascribed the bloodstone, as it its easier to get one from the other."

There are a few other special days and events in July if none of these lines tickles your fancy. For example, World Population Day, World Chocolate Day and International Tiger Day all take place on various dates throughout the month. But if traditional, non-timely jokes are what you're after, then have a bloody great go on these jokes which come freshly baked from our industrial-sized comedy broiler:

1. "They say getting married is like buying a washing machine because you'll never have to do it by hand again. That's rubbish. Washing machines have breakdowns, and they're often all gunked up. Sometimes you've no choice but to pop on some gloves and get lathered up."

1. "Amanda was initially unhappy at my choice of best man as she felt Nigel was too cold and formal. But she soon changed her mind after he sent in that letter of complaint to the ombudsman."

1. "Sorry if we spammed you with the emailed invitation requests but we had to make sure we got everyone's choices down for the meal in time before this GDPR thing kicked in. Otherwise you'd have to opt-in to tell us what you want for starters. Uncle Jerry was the only one who failed to let us know, but based on his internet search history we've chosen his meal for him. Crabs. Seared loin. Spotted dick."

Wasn't that a classy way to end this blog post? We'll be back for more wedding-appropriate hilarity come early August, by which time England may be world champions and our entire writing staff could be nothing more than a pool of sweat-sodden clothes. See you then!