The Weeks Before the Wedding

In the run-up to a wedding, it's normal to have some intrusive and amusing thoughts about how life is about to change. If you are the bride, you'll probably start wondering if the big day will go exactly as you imagined. If you're a groom who's punching above your weight, you may fret over whether the bride will bother turning up. And if you're the Father of the Bride, you may start to worry about how much this thing is going to cost you - whether or not your daughter turns up.

All of these neurotic thoughts can be mined for nuggets of comedy gold, so long as you're willing to expose your inner demons to the world in exchange for the approval of friends, relatives and strangers. And that links us neatly onto our first suggestion, which is to mention how you've spent the past few weeks attempting to finely craft your wedding speech.

1. "Since Paige and her mum have been in charge of all the wedding business, my only concerns over the past few weeks were turning up to the wedding on time and making sure this speech was inoffensive, heartfelt and factually accurate. Today I arrived an hour before I was due, so one out of two ain't bad."

That's a line that could be used by either the groom, the best man or the father of the bride with a little tweaking. This next one is specifically tailored for the dad, although once more, with a little tailoring, it could easily be adapted for any wedding speech-givers.

1. "When your little girl gets married, some describe it as losing a daughter, whereas others say it's more like gaining a son. I suppose your interpretation depends on your outlook in life. As the wedding approached, I've been trying to decide which one applied to me; but seeing as Dan's always round ours watching my Sky TV and drinking my beer, it's almost certainly the latter."

This particular angle would work well in the hands of a best man who was worried about losing their friend to married life. Along the same lines, many grooms will spend their final weeks of freedom wondering what married life will be like, and some may even begin to reconsider their decision - probably best to keep that last one on the down low. But still, the idea that you might have cold feet is a tried and tested routine that will always get some laughs - bride excepted, of course.

1. "To be honest with you all, I've been worrying every day in the run up to this wedding whether I've made the right decision. Is this one right for me? Have I given up my freedom? And if so, at what cost? What if cracks start to appear? What if something new comes along that I like more? I guess it doesn't matter now. I've signed my name and it's done. I'm on Vodafone for 18 months."

If that last idea is a little close to the bone, there are plenty of surreal and silly alternatives you can use to indicate you've been reminiscing about the past of late. Perhaps you've been considering how fortunate you were to meet your spouse, or maybe your relationship began during an interesting period in your life. Revisiting old memories often sparks off new thoughts and tangents, and as our next example shows, they don't all need to be based in reality.

1. "As I move on to the next chapter in my life, I've been feeling rather nostalgic recently. Yesterday, I went by the house where I grew up for a trip down memory lane. I asked if I could go in and look around, but I had the door slammed in my face! My parents can be so rude!"

Existential crises aside, many people spend the weeks before the wedding worrying about the day itself. Will someone say something terrible? Will Auntie Jean and Uncle Stan get along? What if the food is horrible? There are many aspects of the occasion which may have crossed your mind or those of the wedding party, and with the right setup, almost any of these worries can be used to drive along a speech.

1. "I hate that part of the speech where they ask if anyone has any objections. I've been worrying about it for a month. Then my new mother-in-law told me the truth; that's just a formality unless you've got a secret marriage no-one knows about. And if Sarah was going to object, she'd have done so by now."

As you can see, the most entertaining lines are those which draw upon real-life emotions and problems. Whether it's a bride worrying about fitting into her dress or a groom trying to figure out if he's invited everyone he's supposed to, you surely won't be short of material if you draw upon this kind of content for an anecdote or two.

1. "Paul's really got carried away thinking about his wedding. The other day I caught him watching 'Say Yes to the Dress'. When he saw me, he quickly dropped his pants and whacked some porn on to avoid embarrassment."

To end, let's look at one last line which packs a lot of info into one single paragraph, managing as it does to combine a recent story, the bride's character, a reference to the family and a dig at the groom all in one go.

1. "The lead up to the wedding has been surprisingly drama free, considering what Pete's family is like. In fact, the only thing I've had to contend with is nuisance phone calls. I got one last Saturday, one last night, and another three this morning all asking the same thing - have you been in an accident that wasn't your fault, because Gary was due three hours ago!"