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Wedding Speeches For December

(December 2016)

Those of you who prayed for a quiet end to 2016 have really got some explaining to do, as with Trump's election victory, the death of Manuel from Fawlty Towers and the tragic Chapocoense air disaster, the past month has felt suspiciously jinxed. However, at Wedding Speech Builder we've looked past the gloom and doom to pick out a few newsworthy topics for you to weave into a December wedding speech. With Scarlett Moffat's victory on I'm A Celebrity, the death of Fidel Castro and the continued harassment of judges by the Daily Mail, there is no shortage of stories to pay reference to, but it may take some skill to adapt them into wedding-appropriate material:

  1. "According to the Mirror, within the next ten years we'll have holidays on the Moon costing eight grand, which isn't far off what I paid to celebrate this marriage. It's interesting, isn't it, that such a risky, stressful journey towards a barren wasteland devoid of life costs the same as going to the Moon."

  1. "I know Pete's always loved Sophie, but he's taken a long time to propose. in fact, I hadn't seen delaying tactics like this until Lewis Hamilton's last lap in Abu Dhabi. You tried to hold things up as best as you could mate, but the result was inevitable, there was nothing you could do to stop it. So you may as well try and enjoy yourself later on as Lewis did, by spraying Sophie in the face."

But if December's news has left you less than enthused, why not instead fall back on the month's traditional festivities for a few lashings of literary inspiration. With Jesus' birthday and the beginning of the New Year coming up, there are plenty of obvious gags to be made. Also for you non-Christian heathens, there is World Soil Day on the 5th, International Human Rights day on the 10th, and of course the African celebration of Kwanzaa which takes place from the 26th to the 1st. Take your pick! Or just nick one of our date-based gags below:

  1. "As Jenny's brother and one of Mike's closest friends, I am uniquely placed to conclude that their wedding night is going to be a lot like Christmas Day when me and Jenny were kids. After opening a disappointing package and not knowing what to do with it, she'll be even more upset when she finds out nobody remembered the batteries."

  1. "Firm thighs, golden brown skin, and a lovely set of giblets; those Bridesmaids are making me hungry for Christmas dinner more than anything else."

  1. "The best thing about getting married so close to January first is you can claim your vows were New Year's Resolutions and not bother sticking to them."

If neither Christmas nor the news tickles your fancy, there are plenty of non-topical gags to be found in the Wedding Speech Builder vault, as well as these shiny new ones below which you can have for free. And yes, I know one of them is about the EU, but that's been going on so bloody long it doesn't count as topical any more, it's now a permanent fixture of our perpetually crap existence. So there:

  1. "Ashley and Gordon did a great job as Ushers, although they did get a bit mixed up at one point. I asked them to start dividing the guests, but instead of asking 'Bride or Groom?' they said 'Remain or Brexit?'"

  1. "On every table you'll find an individual placeholder with your name on, which has been hand crafted by the Bride's mother, Helen. And here's a little fact for you... if you were to take each one and lay them end to end, she'd get really annoyed and rip your knackers off."

And that's your lot for 2016! To end with, here's a quick clip of a beautifully set-up piece of humour courtesy of a Best Man who's a friend to both Bride and Groom. He demonstrates perfectly how to charge a room with genuine sentiment, before shattering it with a hilarious comment drawn from his real life relationship with the happy couple. So with that we'll see you in 2017, God (and Trump) willing, for more monthly musings on matrimonial speech material.

From all of us here at Wedding Speech Builder, have a very Merry Christmas, a cracking Kwanzaa, an incredible International Human Rights Day and a Happy New Year.