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Halloween Inspired Speech Material For Weddings In October

(October 2018)

Ain't it typical? The Wedding Speech Builder team finally get their beach bodies sorted and the temperatures plummet overnight. I think mother nature is trying to tell us something. Oh, and speaking of things, here are some more things that have happened recently which you may wish to slip into your forthcoming wedding utterances.

The Aldi supermarket chain has hit $10 billion in annual sales for the first time ever, so we all know where we're all sourcing the evening buffet, don't we! Elsewhere, the Whatsapp chat app may soon contain adverts, Fifa 19 and Fortnite Season Six are out, and golf's Ryder Cup ended with a resounding European success - something Theresa May can only dream of.

Another couple of stories which could easily be woven into a wedding speech are the imminent name changes to Macedonia, the country, and Kanye West, a man who is often referred to using a truncated version of the word country. The pair are considering rebrands to "North Macedonia" and "Ye" respectively. There's definitely a link to brides taking their husband's surname to be exploited there, but if you can't think of one, try some of these topical lines on for size:

  1. "I find it amusing that the Tories are willing to walk away from a Brexit deal if the latest one doesn't work out. It'd be like me telling Susan the wedding's off unless I can stop going to work, quit bathing and spend all day watching Top Gear reruns. It's much better to compromise and agree I'll only do those things on the weekend. Maybe that's how we solve the EU problem; migrants can pop by whenever on Saturdays, Sundays and Bank Holiday Mondays."

  1. "Donald Trump said that him and Kim Jong-un fell in love over beautiful letters. Bit creepy isn't it? Although I'd wager those letters were still more romantic than the texts Phil and Anna used to send each other. If there were a bleach for the mind, I swear I'd sleep better at night."

"Apparently, if our current particle accelerator experiments go wrong, the Earth could shrink to a size of just 330ft across. Now I'm no scientist, but I'm sceptical, as John promised something similar in time for his wedding, and that blatantly didn't happen."

October has plenty going on if you need some non-topical timely material, with Halloween ending a month full of various commemorative days and festivals that can easily be mined for material. Alternatively, why not use the changing of the seasons themselves for inspiration? But whatever you do, don't describe the bride as being in her "autumn years".

  1. "It's nearly Halloween, which means we'll see people dressed up to the nines while filling themselves with copious amounts of unhealthy food provided for free by strangers. A little like this wedding, actually."

  1. "Anyone doing sober for October? Don't worry if you are. As Father of the Bride, I have catered for you specifically by refusing to pay for an open bar. You are welcome."

  1. "Today, the 13th of October, is international sceptics day. Now I don't know if Mark and Leah chose this date on purpose to make fun of all the naysayers who said they'd never make it, but if they told me they hadn't, I'd be dubious."

Right, it's that time again where we dig around in our pockets and throw you dirty hoboes some change, by giving you a generous handout from our Wedding Speech Builder joke repository. These lines have only just been added, by the way, so in 10 years' time when they're famous, you can tell all your mates you knew them before they were cool.

  1. "Since John asked me to be Best Man, I've spent every waking hour worrying about what could go wrong. But lo and behold, the Bride turned up, the Groom turned up sober, and I haven't had to use my pair of emergency underpants. What does that prove? That worrying works."

  1. "Paul is honestly my best friend; I'd do anything for him, and he would for me too. This became apparent three months ago when Paul agreed to help me perform assisted suicide, by which I mean he asked me to make a speech at his wedding."

  1. "I apologise if I sound a little downbeat while delivering this speech. I got out on the wrong side of bed this morning. I'm a fat lad and my wife gets cross when I roll out of her side. I thoroughly deserved that beating."

That's it for another month. We'll be back with more topical wedding humour for you early in November, if our owners trust us to go outside with all those fireworks going off. We do have a habit of barking at explosions, you know.