Speech Material For July 2017

July July, poke me in the eye, what a wonderful time of year. The sun is bright, dresses are tight, so let's get merry and queer - unless you're a Conservative MP of course. Gaiety is strictly off the menu now those blue bloods are in cahoots with the Democratic Unionist Party. In other news, the best Batman Adam West is dead, an episode of Blue Peter recently received zero viewers, and Donald Trump is alive and well. But don't worry, because North Korea recently launched a long-range ICBM. So it'll all be over soon.

If the apocalypse is delayed, though, you may find the following wedding-appropriate topical jokes somewhat comforting in these times of woe:

1. "Everyone enjoying this warm weather? Aye, mixed response there. God we're miserable, aren't we? We complain when it's hot, we complain when it's cold, we bellyache when it's a bit too mild for a barbecue. Can't do right from wrong, can it? The weather is basically a married man."

1. "That election was a bit weird, wasn't it? Corbyn lost, but he sorta won. And May won, but she sorta lost. Must be a weird sensation that. Kelly, you've just married Pete, what does it feel like?"

1. "The Tories getting with the DUP feels like a wedding where you know full well not enough people are going to turn up, so you invite your distant racist relatives just to boost the numbers. Anyway, thanks for coming Jean and Keith. Have a safe journey home."

What else is going on right now? Well, I just had a chicken sandwich, and I might go for a bath later on. Oh, you mean in general? Okay. Wimbledon's on, that's a thing. Oh, and so is the Tour de France. That's two things. And it was the 20th anniversary of the release of Harry Potter, so there's three. We've also got "Don't Step on a Bee Day" on July 10th, "National Tequila Day" on the 24th, and "World Hepatitis Day" on the 30th. There you go, try and make a wedding joke out of that lot.

1. "Anyone see Mark Cavendish get elbowed out of the Tour De France? Nasty business that, but it'll be nothing compared to what you'll see when Kelly throws that bouquet."

Topical jokes leaving you all flaccid in the speech department? You're not alone. I can't stand the news anymore. I'd rather wait until mankind's end of days and just watch the important stuff in a highlights reel. Anyway, here are two regular gags you can use instead of all this topical malarkey:

1. "In my head, this speech is going to go down like Corbyn's at Glasto. In real life, it'll probably bomb harder than the Enola Gay. If it does, I swear to God I'm going to cut myself… a big piece of cake. Then I'll top myself… up with a little champagne. After that, I dunno, probably put a bullet… in my own head. To the Bride and Groom!"

1. "One of Martin and Gina's shared passions is, of course, reading. In fact, these two are such bookworms that they insisted on reading their own vows and following up with a contextual critique about their hidden subtext. They even thought about getting married in an actual bookshop, which would've been a novel experience."

Those two jokes are very different concerning tone, and knowing which approach to take can be trickier than carrying four pints, six vodka tonics and a bag of pork scratchings without the use of a tray. One way of getting around this is to joke about the fact that you have no idea what to say and how to say it, like this bloke does at his daughter's wedding .

Right, that's your lot. I'm going to go and sunbathe and watch the world burn to ashes. But if the trigger fingers of Trump and Kim Jong Un prove less itchy than anticipated, I suppose we'll see you in August.