Speech Material For June 2017

After the recent events in Manchester and London, you could be forgiven for avoiding the news altogether when it comes to compiling jokes for a wedding speech. Such occasions exist as an antidote to the litany of bastards who inhabit our planet, so it's hardly right to give them a mention on a day of celebration. But for those who would still like a little topical edge to their speech, there's still plenty to go on, because if there's one thing which remains true during times of both sorrow and joy, it's that our world is full of absolute bloody weirdos.

This week, the most powerful man in the world shoved his way through a NATO meeting, and on this side of the pond, Theresa May wants your house after you've died from dementia. Speaking of oxygen thieves, it seems climbers on Mount Everest are having their O2 bottles pinched on their way to the summit, but let's hope they don't lose too much sleep over it, because this can apparently cause your brain to eat itself. There was bad news for Tony Montana after it was discovered that cocaine is more addictive than we previously thought, but good news for Manchester United as they brought home the Europa League trophy - with even better news for the wife of the man who made this banner (providing Zlatan stays, of course). Here are some topical lines you may want to weave into your speech:

1. "I couldn't help but identify with the NHS last month when cyber-attackers tried to shake them down for money, as if they're rolling in it. Those hackers must've been smoking the same stuff Kayla was when she asked for a horse-drawn carriage and a champagne fountain."

1. "Last month in America, a Republican candidate body-slammed a journalist, failed to apologise and still ended up the winner. And if that isn't a perfect allegory for my new son-in-law's life, I don't know what is."

Hopefully, the coming month will give us more to celebrate than the past few have, but either way, with Glastonbury, Father's Day and the election all looming, you should have plenty of events to draw upon for wedding speech material. There's also the anniversary of D-Day on the 6th, and whatever the f**k Juneteenth Day is on the 19th of the month:

1. "In a few short days it will be Father's Day, and what better present could a dad ever receive than to see his beautiful daughter get hitched? No idea, but I'm looking forward to finding out!"

1. "If any of you youngsters are heading to Glastonbury this month, you could've saved your money! Today you'll get to see a bunch of pissed-up old farts in a marquee for free!"

1. "If you're worried about the forthcoming election then don't be; just copy what Terry's about to do on his wedding night. He'll be confused, he won't know what to do when he gets there, but he'll just stick it in the box and hope for the best."

Even after all our wonderful suggestions, you may still believe it entirely inappropriate to riff off the recent news for wedding speech material. If that's the case then don't fret, because the Wedding Speech Builder vault is chock-full of wedding-suitable jokes ready for your perusal:

1. "The one thing which truly defines Paul is his loyalty. He is a thoroughly decent human being; the kind who will stand by you through all of the problems you'd have avoided if you'd married someone else."

1. "I don't know if Andy wanted me to tell you all this, but today is a big deal for him for more reasons than are presently obvious. It's not an easy thing for someone like him to admit, but this is the 21st century, and so I hope we can all count on your support. Andrew was once a man trapped in a woman's body…right up until the moment he was born."

The delivery of these last two jokes is crucial because you need to sound genuine and heartfelt right up until the punchline. If you're giggling like a teenage girl on hippy crack, then you'll ruin the whole setup, so take a leaf out of this father of the bride's book and play it cool until the bombshell moment.

And that's your lot for this month! But in the meantime, have you been reading our non-topical blog? If not, you're missing out! The latest entry, Beware of Lewd Jokes, references the hoohah over Justin Johannesson's best man speech at Pippa Middleton's wedding, and if you want to avoid looking like a prize pillock too, then it may be wise to give it a read. But, as always, we'll be back in July with even more topical titbits, so goodbye for now and enjoy the weather while it lasts!