Speech Material For June 2018
(June 2018)
The past month has seen Britain battered by storms and bathed in sunshine. And, if truth be told, the news has been somewhat reflective of the weather, with a mix of jolly good and jolly awful stories having come our way since the last phase of the moon.
Roseanne Barr's racist rants caused her sitcom to be cancelled, but in more positive news, Michael McIntyre was attacked by men with hammers. The Lost Voice Guy brought everyone to tears with a storming performance to win Britain's Got Talent, but then Love Island returned to our screens and made everyone sob for a different reason - and, for many, from a different organ. And finally, the third runway at Heathrow has at last been approved, just in time for papers across the nation to complain about the state of our railways. Ah well, we can't have it all, can we?
(for a best man)-
"Apparently days on Earth are gradually getting longer due to the influence of the moon upon the planet's rotation. So that's why you've been feeling like you have, Marie. It's nothing to do with meeting Steven."
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"I felt bad for Liverpool's goalkeeper after the Champions League final, but it turns out that an elbow to the head gave him concussion which may have impaired his judgement. John, you were whacked on the noggin as a child, weren't you? I suppose that's why it took you 10 years to put a ring on my daughter's finger, eh?"
The only thing happening in June that matters in the slightest is the World Cup. I don't care if you're getting married, having a baby, or giving birth on your wedding day; a summer of football trumps them all. I suppose there are one or two other notable events though. June 11th signals the start of Men's Health Week, June 14th is National Blood Donor Day, June 17th is Father's Day, and there's the summer solstice on June 21st:
(for a father of the bride)-
"I have a habit of embarrassing Gail quite a lot, and I did it again recently. Her friends were round ours for a barbecue talking about how June is Pride Month. I didn't know what this meant, so I said I was proud all year round. Now I was referring to Gail of course, but her friends took it differently. Anyway, long story short, the next time you'll see me I'll be riding atop a float going down Oxford Street in a pair of tight leather shorts."
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"I'll be honest, I feel a bit cheated, what with my daughter's wedding being on Father's Day. I'm supposed to receive things, not give away something I treasure. Let's hope the presents make up for it. Not that anything could, mind, but I have had my eye on a new 5-iron for some time now."
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"How apt that John and Lucy should begin married life on the day of the summer solstice, marking the beginning of both summer and warm times ahead for this wonderful couple. It's also the longest day of the year too, which means that free bar is going to see some action tonight!"
Not convinced by our topical offerings? Well, aren't you a fussy sod. You know you're getting all these for free, right? Oh fine, here are some of our recent non-topical additions to our underground joke repository, which we have been assured is entirely safe from the threat of nuclear devastation:
(for a father of the bride)-
"She may look gorgeous and serene right now, but our Gina was in a right state this morning according to her mother. Proper temperamental. Although she's always been like that; half temper and half mental."
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"I'm glad to see Nick finally settle down with a woman as great as Candice. If truth be told, in getting married he's disappointed a lot of women. At least now he can concentrate on disappointing just the one."
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"If you're wondering why we were a little late, it's because Olly woke up not feeling right about something. He needed me to console him, so I hit him over the head with an X-Box."
So there you have it, those are our topical twists on the news for the past 30 days. We'll be back, as usual, this time next month, at which point we'll likely have two major disappointments to look forward to; a World Cup final without England, and the impending visit of Donald Trump. Ah, what a summer it promises to be.