Speech Material For February 2018

The past month has been wonderful if you're a Man United fan, but less so if you enjoy cheese and ham sandwiches and being able to breathe properly. The big sporty story of the past few weeks was the protracted swap deal between Arsenal and United, which saw Alexis Sanchez and Henrikh Mkhitaryan exchange clubs and boost their salaries along the way. Imagine if you could do that with spouses? Oh wait, you can… it's called swinging.

In more important news, we've had the tragic collapse of the Carillion construction firm, putting projects across the country at risk. But that's a bit blue for a wedding speech, so why not try riffing on the hilarious story of a 14-year-old boy who almost died after a butty ripped his throat open. No? God, you're fussy. Okay then, what about the bloke who played Tinky Winky popping his purple clogs? Yes, I know it's sad, but come on, it's been a slow news month!

1. "Won't it be nice to see North and South Korea putting their differences aside and marching together under the same flag at the Winter Olympics? See mum and dad, if they can do it, you two can at least stop stabbing each other under the table with forks."

1. "The entire American west coast was on alert earlier this month after an earthquake hit the Gulf of Alaska. I really hope no wedding parties were affected, because usually it's the mother in law's job to give people a frosty reception."

1. "Facebook has recently invented a new unit of time called a flick, which is one 705,600,000th of a second. For context, that's how long Kerry requested that the vicar give for objections before moving on with haste."

1. "The head of Britain's army says we must prepare for a fight with Russia, and the way he was talking made me think of how I prepared for my first argument with Claire. So Keith, if war does come to your doorstep, you must know the early signs, bolster your defences, analyse your resources and know, for your own safety, when to enact a tactical retreat."

As anyone born on the 29th of February will no doubt enjoy telling you, this is indeed the shortest month of the year. Technically, that means you get to work fewer days for the same amount of pay. I think. Don't quote me on that. But as well as this chronological oddity, February also plays host to a number of notable events, such as Chinese New Year, the school holidays, pancake day, National Proposing day and, of course, Valentine's:

1. "A Valentines Day wedding sounds romantic on the surface, but when you find out how popular this day is and how much it costs to book a venue and a church, well, Jeez, whoever paid for it must love the crap out of this broad."

1. "This is of course Gina's second wedding, and it hasn't escaped my attention that today, February 2nd, is in fact Groundhog Day. Now I'm not saying that history is going to repeat itself, but Luke, Bill Murray only escaped the loop by making his beloved happy. You know what you have to do."

1. "How appropriate that this wedding takes place on Pancake Day, given that most of you here couldn't give a toss and are just here to get battered."

1. "Could I just have a quick show of hands please? Who in this room is currently unattached? Okay. Great. Today, the 15th of February, is Singles Awareness day. Now that we all know who these losers are, I feel we are sufficiently aware."

The door to our joke vault got all gunked up this month, so rather than slinging you some non-topical funnies we've given you an even larger helping of seasonal material instead. I do believe that fulfils any contractual obligations we have towards you, in the event it doesn't please accept this video clip of a groom explaining how he overcame his public speaking nerves.

And with that lovely sign-off, we shall see you in March for more wedding-suitable whimsy.