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Festive Wedding Speech Ideas

(December 2019)

You know how people - and by 'people', we mean 'annoying people' - have been saying "it'll be Christmas before you know it" since April? Well, turns out they were right. The festive season has well and truly snuck up on us, like Jeffrey Epstein at a children's birthday party. And if, in addition to Christmas, you also have a wedding to prepare for this December, you have two good reasons to have avoided the news over the past month.

But don't worry, because as ever we've compiled some of the most newsworthy stories of the month and mashed them into a pleasing satirical paste, which we will now stuff into the dry, overcooked carcass that is your head. Merry Christmas.

There's been plenty of election nonsense lately, including Boris' refusal to be interviewed by Andrew Neil, Corbyn's refusal to do up his top button, and Jo Swinson's refusal to be at all relevant to anyone or anything. But don't fret, because there have been some noteworthy non-political stories for you to slip into your December wedding speech too:

  1. "Apparently, Prince Andrew will be forced to testify to the FBI if he ever goes to the US. And after Jenny's hen do, she'll be forced to do the same to the Spanish Guardia if she ever sets foot in Ibiza."

  1. "Corbyn was grilled on This Morning by Philip Schofield. It reminded me of the first time I went to Tom's mum's house and she asked if my boobs were real. If you're still wondering, Helen, they're not."

  1. "Johnny came up to me today and said he was shocked, because he'd read in the papers that these special Christmas coffees - you know, the gingerbread mocha chocca pumpkin spice black tar heroin lattes - they contain up to 94 grams of sugar! I'm sorry, but if that comes as a 'revelation' to you John-boy, then you may not have the mental capacity to agree to be wed!"

  1. "Pop star Ellie Goulding says she used to drink alcohol to seem more funny and interesting. It clearly didn't work. Which makes me very nervous, because I was relying on you all being plastered when I wrote this crap speech!"

If current events aren't your cup of mulled tea, then Christmas-themed jokes might be more appropriate. We also have Boxing Day and New Years to use as inspiration for some timely wedding speech jokes, and there are a fair few weird and wonderful observances throughout December too. There's Handwashing Awareness Week, Influenza Vaccination Week, World Nobel Prize Day and, lest we forget, National Card Playing Day. That one's on December 28th.

  1. "In case any of you are wondering, no, I didn't buy the happy couples' wedding gift on Black Friday. I've told Jack and Rachel their gift is still in the post, because that Breville toastie maker will be way cheaper in the Boxing Day sales."

  1. "Wedding vows are a lot like New Year's resolutions, you know. Nobody takes them seriously, and you're pretty much guaranteed to spend the next 12 months just getting fatter."

  1. "Today, Sunday 22nd of December, is the Winter Solstice. This is the shortest day of the year. Now, when you bear in mind that we hired the church, the venue and the hotel rooms on a daily rate, it means that the date Rosie and Lee have chosen to wed happens to give me the least value for money out of the entire damned year."

If these jokes are making you curse "Bah, humbug!" then lighten up, you miserable bastard! Because we're about to give you some non-topical jokes too, you massive Scrooge. Here are three new lines we've hand-picked and rolled on the thighs of virgins especially for you.

  1. I spent £1,000 to rent a limousine for our wedding and found out this morning it doesn't come with a driver... Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!

  1. I'd like to make it clear that we didn't meet through one of those online dating services. I met my beautiful wife the old fashioned way... Through alcohol!

  1. "You'll notice we haven't hired a wedding photographer, because why bother when half of you will have our wedding photos up on Instagram by lunchtime? I actually don't mind that, because it's saved us a few bob. But in 50 years' time our grandkids are gonna be confused when they see our wedding congregation consists of people who are cats, dogs, or unreasonably attractive."

That's your lot for this month folks! If you've been good boys and girls we might be back in January with some more topical jokes for the first weddings of the year 2020. We really can't wait for all those oh-so-original "hindsight is 2020" jokes. Actually, we shouldn't mock, because if we run out of ideas, we'll probably slip one into the next article. See you in the New Year!