Speech Material For April 2017

As befits its name, March saw Britain stride confidently towards oblivion/freedom, depending which side of the Brexit fence you're on. As Article 50 was triggered, the EU promised they wouldn't punish Britain any further, since leaving Europe was punishment enough. Sounds a lot like what my ex said, but then she took the f**king dog, didn't she? Callous b***h.

Anyway, this was but one of many newsworthy events over the past month. Britain might have a nice lovely war in sunny old Spain, Daniel Craig is apparently ready to scowl his way through one last Bond film, and a schoolboy sparked a nationwide hunt after hiding under his bed to avoid school. In sport. we've had Formula One kick off to an exciting start, the goblinesque David Moyes threatened a female presenter with a slap, and Britain's number one tennis lady Jo Konta won her first ever tournament. Isn't that nice? Here are some jokes abo ut some other things that happened:

1. "As we all know, Liam's a bit of a geek, and last month he was over the moon when the Space X company managed to reuse a space rocket they'd already launched. Bizarre isn't it? I always thought space rockets were like wedding dresses - big, white, expensive, and if you see the same one twice something's gone horribly wrong."

For people who hate the news, April is also packed to the rafters with random celebrations, haughty events and other excuses to get drunk. April Fools has been and gone, but we still have Palm Sunday, Good Friday, Easter Sunday and St. George's Day to look forward to. And that's not all, because April 23rd is Shakespeare Day, 30th of April is World Jazz Day, and the 26th and 29th are respectively International Chernobyl and Victims of Chemical Warfare Remembrance Day. I can't wait!

1. "Has anyone here been observing Lent? If so, it ends today, the 13th of April. Which is quite apt really, as it's the day Ian here gives up the things he cherishes most - his balls, his love life, his right to silence and his hopes of marrying Anna Kournikova."

As always we'll throw a couple of non-topical gags your way, just in case you're somehow allergic to the news.

1. "Polly, I know Tony wouldn't want me to tell you this, but I feel like you should know everything about what went on during the stag do. You know, so you can decide if he's right for you or not. First thing's first, I did organise a threesome for him. It was his last night of freedom though, and I wanted him to enjoy himself. And he certainly did, I can tell you… even if there were a couple of no shows."

1. "I'd like to start by thanking Alan, my new father-in-law, for all the kind things he said during his speech. I honestly don't think even Louise has ever said anything that nice about me, so I'm starting to wonder if perhaps I've married the wrong family member."

That last line is a reworked version of a joke you can see in action in this video here.

As this groom demonstrates, the key to making it work is by delivering the joke quickly, naturally and with a smile on your face. You want everyone - including the bride - to know that you're not being serious, and that this is just a light-hearted jibe in her direction. Pull it off and you'll end up complimenting the father and raising a laugh all in one go. Mess it up, and you'd better prepare yourself for a long talk about this during your decidedly uneventful wedding night.

So that's your lot for the month, but don't fret, because we'll be back in May with more topical lines, timely jokes and some disgusting maypole double entendres to boot.