Speech Material For May 2018

Ah the merry month of May, so named for our glorious leader the honourable Prime Minister Theresa. Didn't she do well in the local elections recently? Well, not really, but according to the press she did, and really isn't that all that matters? In other news, wet wipes are soon to be banned, so getting all that makeup off the bridesmaid's faces will prove a challenge. Oh, and we've just had the hottest May Day in decades, with weather jerks predicting that rain will soon follow shine just as everyone's dragged out their barbecue from the back of the shed.

We're also reportedly on the cusp of seeing the world's first foldable phone from Samsung. I have no idea how you could weave this into a wedding speech, nor why you'd want to, but feel free to give it a crack anyway. What's that? You can't be bothered? Oh fine, here are some topical wedding jokes we've prepared for you instead:

1. "Have you seen Jeremy Clarkson is presenting Who Wants to Be a Millionaire now? When I was watching I couldn't help but think of today's ceremony between Rachel and Eric. Specifically when the vicar asked if you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife - one wrong answer and you know they're getting a thump."

1. "Vladimir Putin was sworn in as Russia's President last week - what a joke. It's like giving Annie's mum Margaret 'permission' to organise the wedding; a mere formality to disguise the fact that she rules secretly by fear."

1. "Apparently grandparents could soon be given the legal right to see their grandchildren after a divorce. Now I'm sure this will never be needed with Laura and Ian. Not because they'll never get divorced, but because the minute they do, me and my wife are emigrating to Tenerife!"

1. "It was Arsene Wenger's last game at Arsenal this month, poor fella going out with criticism ringing in his ears. After sixteen years of marriage I know what that feels like."

May has its fair share of holidays and events too, what with Ramadan, Eurovision and the end of the Premier League season bookended by two welcome bank holiday breaks - unless you're f***ing self-employed that is.

1. "First I'd like to apologise for taking up people's Bank Holiday weekend with a wedding. I pushed for a Christmas Day ceremony myself, because I thought why not consolidate all our family arguments into one easy to manage hellstorm."

1. "Any Muslims in today? Nope, damn. I know Uncle Albert's pleased, but I'm not. You see, my daughter is quite woke and has a cosmopolitan circle of friends, so I hoped she'd invite a few of her Islamic pals just as Ramadan began. Save myself a few quid on the catering, wouldn't it? No such luck apparently. But if any of you are thinking of converting, could you do so in the next ten minutes so I can take home the leftovers."

1. "It's Eurovision this weekend, and I know for a fact that Graham won't be watching. Getting shafted by a load of Eastern Europeans - he had enough of that on his stag do."

If you're looking for more generic wedding speech content that can be used all year round, then why not take a look at our wedding speech material vault. We're always adding new lines and fresh quips to our archive, and here are just two of our many recent additions:

1. "I've been very thoughtful regarding my wedding gift, but admittedly it's mostly a present for Phil rather than Kate. It's one of those sofas that turns into a bed. All Phil has to do to activate it is mention how fit Kate's sister looks on their anniversary."

1. "Danny spent forever getting himself dressed this morning. At one point I opened the door to see him crying. I asked what's up, and he said to me 'Do I look massive in this?' 'Yes', I replied 'but that's because you're a very big man hiding in a rather small cupboard'."

Okay, that's your lot you greedy sows. By the time our next article comes out we'll be getting set for the World Cup and a month of abject disappointment as our brave boys in white get knocked out by Bongo Bongo Land early in the second round. See you then!