Speech Material For October 2017

October brings with it death, decay and the demise of western civilisation, as the looming threat of nuclear war is somewhat overshadowed by American blokes with a penchant for kneeling during sing-songs. Elsewhere, a female Oxford medical student escaped jail despite stabbing her boyfriend in the leg, Uber lost its licence to operate in London, and a pair of Russian cannibals have been found to have eaten 30 people - bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase "toast the happy couple".

We've also had the startling news that fish have personalities, the world's heaviest woman has died (what a shocker!), and that sporty people are likely to drink more than your average layabouts. We'll let you make your own jokes regarding these stories, but here's a handful of our own wedding-appropriate takes on the past month's events as well:

1. "I'm glad everyone could make it today. What with the Ryanair debacle I wasn't really sure, since a cancelled flight is a great excuse to not bother turning up. Even Uncle Pete tried that one on, and he only lives down the road."

1. "A man has shown signs of consciousness after 15 years in a coma, thanks to a radical new treatment. Isn't that amazing? You wanna read that article for a few tips, Sarah. After a few pints Ian also finds it impossible to be stimulated from a vegetative state."

1. "Did anyone else hear how Donald Trump was misled over an Iranian missile test when it turned out he was shown footage from a failed launch in January? I know (GROOM) has, because he'll be using the same excuse if his stag photos are leaked. No dear, I met that midget ladyboy before we got together."

Not interested in the news of the world? Fair enough, it is rather grim out there. October has plenty of special days which you can mine for humour instead, including World Animal Day on the 4th, World Space Week from the 4th to the 10th, and National Poetry Day on the 7th. But if you're terrible at public speaking, you've lucked out if the wedding falls on the 22nd of October, because that is World Stammering Awareness Day. Here are some classic topical gags:

1. "There's not much difference between Halloween and a wedding is there? They both involve a silly costume you'll only wear once, handing out free stuff to people you don't know wearing too much make up, and throughout the evening you'll inevitably meet your fair share of cold, bloodsucking vampires."

1. "I hope you've all remembered that the clocks go back an hour soon. Although judging by the faces of some of the married couples in here, that one hour is 25 years too short."

As always, we're going to share with you a couple of lines which have been recently added to our Wedding Speech Builder joke repository:

1. "I've got a bit of bad news to share with (GROOM) before I start my speech. The gift bags you bought for me and my fellow groomsmen have gone missing. In their place, some sick bastard left a load of Lynx products and other cheap tat. Don't worry, I've already binned them on your behalf."

1. "Marriages are a lot like smartphones. As they get older, you start becoming jealous when your friends get upgrades, especially as yours results in more charges and gets harder and harder to turn on."

Delivering a baby is very different from delivering a speech, as only one of these should be ended with a punch. Knowing where and when to place jokes is an artform in itself, but a hard and fast rule is to leave your best lines and funniest words until the very end. This best man demonstrates perfectly how to set up a joke with a story, and it is with this video we shall bid you farewell for yet another month. We'll be back as usual for more wedding witticisms in November, by which point it will be LESS THAN ONE F***ING MONTH UNTIL CHRISTMAS. I don't even know how time works any more.